Helpful advice

Here, have some helpful advice about what to do if your children don't make the same choices as you do! Helpful advice from a Mormon perspective!

[Vickey Pahnke] Taylor said when children fall away from the gospel, parents are prone to accept all the blame.

"Parents of wayward children commonly agonize over questions like, 'what did I do wrong?' or 'how have I failed?'" Taylor said. "The most common first reactions are guilt, anger, depression, hurt or the impression that our teachings have been for naught. The feelings of failure may become a wall in the path of our own progression."

In other words, "If you make a large part of your life about indoctrinating your children into your beliefs, if they reject that indoctrination, you'll feel guilty and sad. Also, this emotional response is bad of you and keeps you from Jesus, (but we still want you to keep trying to indoctrinate those kids!)."

Parents must take care of themselves and seek peace in their own lives, she said.
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"Refuse to be drawn into the daily drama that accompanies the angry or defiant family member, and actively seek for peace," she said.

Taylor said one of the ways to achieve peace daily is a spiritual focus.
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"When we come to terms with the fact that we are not in charge," she said, "that we can control nothing our family member does, but we can control our own actions and reactions, a new sense of reliance upon the Lord blossoms within us."

"We may have lost them, but we'll take this opportunity to try to strengthen our hold on you. Focus on religious stuff (us!) and rely more on god (also us!), rather than thinking for yourself. And don't talk to them or try to do anything about whatever they may be feeling; that might, you know, lead to you considering their point of view to have some merit. Only listen to us!"

To illustrate this point, Taylor shared a story about by an old Cherokee man who tells his grandson about the inner battle each person fights.

In the story, the man says the battle is between two inner wolves. One wolf, akin to the natural man, is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow and so forth. The other wolf is every good sentiment.

The grandson then queries, "which wolf win?" and the old man replies, "the one you feed."

"Here, have a vastly oversimplified metaphor that not only tries to dumb-down emotions into a good-evil (false) dichotomy, but also tells you that it is bad to feel sad. (And please don't note that the four emotions given as being part of the "natural man" are all emotions attributed to god/Jesus in the bible.)"

"At times of despair over our children's spiritual well-being, we are better served by sharpening our own spiritual tools and working on our own testimonies in order to better help our defiant family members," she said.

"Again, the best thing to do when you are sad is to become even more indoctrinated. That'll help stop your children from rejecting that same indoctrination. And it gets us more souls! More tasty, delicious souls... Mmm, souls."

The job description of parents includes advising and loving children, not saving them, Taylor said.

"We become overwhelmed when we spin our wheels in a helpless plan to rescue and save our wayward child," she said. "That is our Savior's job. Our dilemma grows when we blur the line of the job description."

"You have no power. We have all the power."

Parents' hope that a child feels the redemptive powers of the Savior is not a passive hope; they should be actively involved in the process, Taylor said.

"But we still want you to actively meddle in their lives, as we don't respect their right as autonomous beings to make their own choices."

Quoting President Gordon B. Hinckley, Taylor said, "I hope you go on praying for them, and I don't hesitate to promise that if you do, the Lord will touch their hearts and bring them back to you with love and respect and appreciation."
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Prayer, combined with the other principles mentioned, will pay eternal dividends, Taylor said, but it will all happen in the Lord's time.
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"Charity never faileth," she said, "but it just doesn't come with a predetermined timetable."

"Pray, while we cover all our bases here. If for whatever reason they get re-indoctrinated into our cult church again, then it was the magical power of prayer, and you should strengthen your reliance on us. If not, then we'll just keep you hopeful up to the day you die, meanwhile getting you to rely more and more on our 'support'. Everyone wins!"